life is wonderful

I gave birth to Baby F at 9.31 in the morning of the 20th of October, a Monday, on my 38th week of pregnancy. Just like with my first, which was 6 years ago, I am two weeks early than the doctor's EDD. Sunday, we went to hear mass and because the church was just a stone's throw away, we just walked. Queerly, my legs felt heavy and so I turtle-walked the few meters to the church. Father Rex H. was in the middle of his sermon and boy, his voice was all ringing loud and clear all over the place. I had to brace myself and lean by the pew when I stand. The bearing down pain was starting to cause strain. At the end of the mass, Father pointed out 3 reminders. I was oblivious, until he said something about latecomers. Okay, that included us.  That was us. Blah, blah. Ouch, ouch!

After lunch I decided to take a quick nap to replenish my energy. I slept at 1 pm and woke up at 5pm. Right, no longer a nap but a full-blown sleep.

Still, later the night I resolved not to stay up late. I was trying to save energy. Something in me tells me, it's near. So I retired at 7 pm. Still wide awake at 11. That's when contractions started their consistent coming and going. My head started doing  a virtual checklist - discharge, peeing a lot, pain. I timed the contractions. Jotted down notes on my cp. My mother asked me every time I went to the CR and pee.

"Wala pa?" she’d ask.

"Alin ma?" I would ask with a bit of zest.

My mother was sure worried.  Although she knew I don’t welcome worry and panic and she tried to hide them, I could nevertheless sense them.

And then by past 12 midnight there was the bloody show. This is it, I thought.  Relief, excitement, bit of physical pain.  Still, excitement.  So, this is the big day.  October 20.

Dressed up, picked up the hospital bag, and we headed to the RHU birthing facility. Just as planned.

My mother, who is a registered midwife herself, called up our midwife, Nay Conching. Nay Conching is the resident midwife at the RHU while my mother is assigned another item.  

They are office mates and kumadres.

The night was a bit chilly and they all wore sweaters.  Everyone had the excited aura.  They probably saw it in me.  Nay Conching kept complimenting me.

At the RHU, I started pacing back and forth while Mama and Nay Conching fell into some job-related chat.  Mama made coffee for us three.  The birthing facility was air conditioned and the breeze outside felt Christmas.  I was feeling good.  But thank God, I thought, when they started talking about some birth disasters which Nay Conching had the occasion to handle.  I couldn’t even retell them now I might scare mom-wannabes who might read this. At that point, I paced back and forth all the more in front of them. And heavens, it worked.  They stopped and Nay Conching suggested that I lie down. 

               Gumana.  Nahilo si Nay Conching.

By 5am, still no progress, we decided to go back home.  Malapit lang naman. 

At home, I started feeling sleepy.  But before I can hit the bed, the pain got weirder.  I told mama we should go back, and we did.

I sat, stood, sat again and felt a bit restless. 

              Can I sleep?

Mama started feeding me with lugaw and I willed myself to eat, spoon by spoon. By then I felt the pain growing weirder.

               Heck, ba’t parang di ko alam to?  Pangalawa na, iha.

Been awake all night and now it's daylight.  My mind panicked amid its sleepy state.

               Where do I get my energy now?
               I’m gonna be nauseous.

               Mahihimatay ako sa antok.

               Ba’t ba ko inaantok?

               Advil.  

               Epidural. Painless, painject kaya ako.

               May cord coil si Baby F sa last ultrasound.

               Ano!?  Bilis!

But I checked again and felt within that I’m all well.  Damn, no excuse.

I moved to the delivery bed, if you'd call it a bed. Bawal kasi gumalaw mahuhulog. I told them I want to just sit down. And then Nay Conching told me she’d administer the dextrose and I said ok.

Waves of pain came. Pain, painful.  I breathed in, out, moaned, asked to be massaged at the back.  My whims  at my command, something I know I wouldn't get at a hospital or anywhere else. But the pain was awful. 

             Who does this?

             Who inflicts this kind of agony?

             Downright, sheer, damn painful.

Hubby came before 9am  and I slumped my head on his shoulder, arms around him and tried to steal some sleep. 

            Lord, pwede ba saglit umidlip? 10 minutes? Power nap?

            Tama na muna wave ng pain. Pwede ba?

The husband held on to me and kept asking if I was okay.  I couldn’t answer him.  Well, I was not, but felt that I was. I know, weird.

I dreaded each wave that came.  At 9am, Nay Conching predicted that by 12nn Baby F will be out. 

            Buhay pa kaya ako nun?

I lied down before 930am and braved the waves. I thought of Baby F.  This was supposed to be his day.

It was me and the pain.  Just us. 

            Okay, c’mon.

And then, Baby F’s loud cries bellowed inside the room.  9.31am.

My husband wiped something off at the corner of my eye.

And then I held him- Baby F, my little wonder, our miracle.

hooked

Wanting to fall in love with Barcelona, someday.

photo credit here

even a fortress would crumble

It is hypocrisy to tell someone you love him and that you miss him when you know well he could no longer hear you, or even if he does, he could no longer comprehend. But even so, even in the deepest recesses of your heart you know you wanted so much to let him know somehow. And that you thank him for being part of your life, that he has passed by, helped you along the way, understood and loved, cheered you up like a father would.

I'll miss you playing this song for me on the piano, every time, since the time you knew I liked it. Especially that smile on your face.

Thank you uncle.  Love is all that matters, it is. I love you.

dash of mom

                                                 



                                                Tried a new one,

                                                          knocked it over! - palitaw 

                                                          A dash of boredom,

                                                          or because I'm a mom?

repost: shoes can be fatal

Nothing to post. I'm cleaning up my fb notes and I guess I have to save this one.  Only because I loved the thought that I cursed someone in my head and I meant it big time. Haha. :-P  ---

Sometimes I wish that we were little girls and boys who cared less about the world and the people around. Wish we can do the slightest mistake without being judged as if some other people’s existence depended on what you do and how you do what; when a tiny petty thing wouldn’t be taken against you and blown out of proportion like it already has a life of its own.  And when others thought you were an angel, some little perfect miss, you suddenly want  to scrape that halo off your head and unravel the red bony horns and flash those sharp, shiny canines and say, well, hello I'm not perfect.

Sometime ago (years ago actually), from work going home I take public utility transport, that which we call FX. 

I flagged down an FX along with many other vying passengers.  So while the car was yet to stop, people, including myself, managed to squeeze against one another to get inside the car. Maximum number of 15 people can get in.  That’s the usual practice, the car yet to halt but people boarding.  And if you want to get yourself a seat, your ass should be quick enough otherwise you can expect the moon shining on you. 

I had the window seat – I like window seats in anything moving and has windows, the car, the train, or the plane.  So I thought I was lucky.

While my head was still slightly swollen with triumph over the little bout, somebody, the one next to me adjusted herself, lifted her big bony butt and slumped on my thigh.  

Ouch!! Wood??!

It was painfuI.  I looked at her and didn’t mind because I thought , well, this is a carpool. People kinda hurt each other unintentionally especially when trying to settle themselves.  Few seconds more, I felt a hard nudge on my side arm.  Ouch! And then another one.  Her (yes, she’s a lady, woman and later I’ll call her a monster) elbow jabbed  my arm again.  That one was raw and it was hard to think of it as an accident.

 “Anu'ng problema mo?” I said. My arm and my thigh were whispering anguish.  The pain was raw.  My question was demanding and was least expecting a petty answer like “nothing.”  I wanted a rather satisfactory answer. 

She said “Nothing.”  Impish smile.

Blood started to rush up my head, with her grin in it, and I knew I turned red, with anger.  Well, my non-mestiza face had to struggle turning that color.

“Nakakasakit ka na!,” I told her, my voice so controlled.

She acted as if she did not hear anything and the nerve, nudged me again!

Okay, fu&%er! (excuse me Ma), I thought.  You want this, you’ll get it. 

I nudged her too. Hard.  And then I lifted my right foot with that very pointy heel and punched it  down on her foot, the mid bony part.  I saw the terror on her face as she looked down.  Before she could even react again, I lifted my foot with the shoe and as the blood squirted out, she shrieked in horror.

I let out a demonic laugh.

Right.  That was just my imagination.  Hope you did not fall for that.

But I did nudge her hard, several times every time she moved, and really wished I did the heel-puncturing thing. But I’m not that evil.

The ordeal with her (read: the bitch) finally ended when she alighted first.  It was only then that I realized that the other passengers were watching us.  And that THEY WERE THERE!  I was SO into the pain and the weird situation that I forgot it was all in public. 

They looked at me and one said “Hayaan mo na, baliw siguro yun..” I felt so relieved and shocked and angry and embarrassed, I cried. I hated that I did, but what just happened was so weird, I just had to let those tears out.  There was no better way to release those emotions.

I thought, evil things really are just lurking around and they pick their prey at random.  And self-defense could be hard, especially when you’re caught without warning.

THAT monster!

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