beautiful dilemma

So there I was last night.  Another dream yet fulfilled.  I have imagined my aspirations coming true but not exactly how they are happening now. As they don't come in glamorous ways.  They however come subtly, one by one, in unexpected installment so that I could actually savor each.

Whoever make them happen just knows his ways of perfect giving.  Where, how, the timing - they come ever so delicately, like the muted rains on a breezy afternoon.   How would one be ever thankful is one of the most beautiful dilemma that could ever beset someone.

living a dream

Some four or five years ago, I said about achieving a childhood dream, and that I was currently working on it.  After years of on and off luggage-sized eye bags, loads of migraine and in between the acquired talent of 30-second briskly changing diapers, yesterday, over some coffee and with hubby, I officially started living it.

I was ecstatic within.
Thankful.
Always.

when i didn't wish on a falling star

I sat by the bench
in pyjamas
in front of a closed
sari-sari store
by the dusty road
no moon, few stars
in my direct horizon
dim, with one post lit
and the occasional
bright car lights
of automobile-passers-by
riders in motorbikes
some with helmets
most have not
one, two, three cars
and then there were
flashes of lighting
somewhere, in the distance
I willed myself to sit still
no soul around
air is almost nil
Suddenly a shooting star
no, a falling star
I watched it
diminish in mid air,
in the nearby dark,
serene school grounds
No wishes came
things done and gone
cannot be undone
the wish of undoing
cannot be granted,
no way.
I stirred.
Mirages formed
My wet eyes
my sinuses throbbing
clogged, in pain.
I stood up and
walked the unlit
alley back home.

5.18.2012

breaking dawn

I didn't realize it's already almost 11 at night.

I just finished the second installment of Breaking Dawn.  I saw the first the other night and,

oh, I'll skip the gushing. But really I just gushed within and wondered why I skipped watching these movies and totally shunned them.  Well, I saw the second installment of the whole saga and didn't like it primarily because Edward was so white (although yeah I know he's a vampire) and they spoke in hush hush. Except for Jacob who, I (insert: my heart skipping a beat) dig (yeah like i'm a midschooler hehe), the flick didn't appeal to me.

And now, wow, I missed a lot, I realized.  The saga is awesome, at least at this point.  Ang ganda, especially the first part of breaking dawn.  The movie is oozing with love, family, life and friendship.  By far, one of the most sensible movie I have seen this year.  Oh, forget that they're vampires and wolves.  Jacob can't be set aside of course.

Part 2 had to end with a lovely song which I somehow expected yet still surprised me.  Reminded me of a very special friend who loved the song that I had to ask the person once why.  Queerly for a man, he said he just loved it.  It just had to fill in that itsy bitsy space to totally have me smitten.

Lovely night.

life is wonderful

I gave birth to Baby F at 9.31 in the morning of the 20th of October, a Monday, on my 38th week of pregnancy. Just like with my first, which was 6 years ago, I am two weeks early than the doctor's EDD. Sunday, we went to hear mass and because the church was just a stone's throw away, we just walked. Queerly, my legs felt heavy and so I turtle-walked the few meters to the church. Father Rex H. was in the middle of his sermon and boy, his voice was all ringing loud and clear all over the place. I had to brace myself and lean by the pew when I stand. The bearing down pain was starting to cause strain. At the end of the mass, Father pointed out 3 reminders. I was oblivious, until he said something about latecomers. Okay, that included us.  That was us. Blah, blah. Ouch, ouch!

After lunch I decided to take a quick nap to replenish my energy. I slept at 1 pm and woke up at 5pm. Right, no longer a nap but a full-blown sleep.

Still, later the night I resolved not to stay up late. I was trying to save energy. Something in me tells me, it's near. So I retired at 7 pm. Still wide awake at 11. That's when contractions started their consistent coming and going. My head started doing  a virtual checklist - discharge, peeing a lot, pain. I timed the contractions. Jotted down notes on my cp. My mother asked me every time I went to the CR and pee.

"Wala pa?" she’d ask.

"Alin ma?" I would ask with a bit of zest.

My mother was sure worried.  Although she knew I don’t welcome worry and panic and she tried to hide them, I could nevertheless sense them.

And then by past 12 midnight there was the bloody show. This is it, I thought.  Relief, excitement, bit of physical pain.  Still, excitement.  So, this is the big day.  October 20.

Dressed up, picked up the hospital bag, and we headed to the RHU birthing facility. Just as planned.

My mother, who is a registered midwife herself, called up our midwife, Nay Conching. Nay Conching is the resident midwife at the RHU while my mother is assigned another item.  

They are office mates and kumadres.

The night was a bit chilly and they all wore sweaters.  Everyone had the excited aura.  They probably saw it in me.  Nay Conching kept complimenting me.

At the RHU, I started pacing back and forth while Mama and Nay Conching fell into some job-related chat.  Mama made coffee for us three.  The birthing facility was air conditioned and the breeze outside felt Christmas.  I was feeling good.  But thank God, I thought, when they started talking about some birth disasters which Nay Conching had the occasion to handle.  I couldn’t even retell them now I might scare mom-wannabes who might read this. At that point, I paced back and forth all the more in front of them. And heavens, it worked.  They stopped and Nay Conching suggested that I lie down. 

               Gumana.  Nahilo si Nay Conching.

By 5am, still no progress, we decided to go back home.  Malapit lang naman. 

At home, I started feeling sleepy.  But before I can hit the bed, the pain got weirder.  I told mama we should go back, and we did.

I sat, stood, sat again and felt a bit restless. 

              Can I sleep?

Mama started feeding me with lugaw and I willed myself to eat, spoon by spoon. By then I felt the pain growing weirder.

               Heck, ba’t parang di ko alam to?  Pangalawa na, iha.

Been awake all night and now it's daylight.  My mind panicked amid its sleepy state.

               Where do I get my energy now?
               I’m gonna be nauseous.

               Mahihimatay ako sa antok.

               Ba’t ba ko inaantok?

               Advil.  

               Epidural. Painless, painject kaya ako.

               May cord coil si Baby F sa last ultrasound.

               Ano!?  Bilis!

But I checked again and felt within that I’m all well.  Damn, no excuse.

I moved to the delivery bed, if you'd call it a bed. Bawal kasi gumalaw mahuhulog. I told them I want to just sit down. And then Nay Conching told me she’d administer the dextrose and I said ok.

Waves of pain came. Pain, painful.  I breathed in, out, moaned, asked to be massaged at the back.  My whims  at my command, something I know I wouldn't get at a hospital or anywhere else. But the pain was awful. 

             Who does this?

             Who inflicts this kind of agony?

             Downright, sheer, damn painful.

Hubby came before 9am  and I slumped my head on his shoulder, arms around him and tried to steal some sleep. 

            Lord, pwede ba saglit umidlip? 10 minutes? Power nap?

            Tama na muna wave ng pain. Pwede ba?

The husband held on to me and kept asking if I was okay.  I couldn’t answer him.  Well, I was not, but felt that I was. I know, weird.

I dreaded each wave that came.  At 9am, Nay Conching predicted that by 12nn Baby F will be out. 

            Buhay pa kaya ako nun?

I lied down before 930am and braved the waves. I thought of Baby F.  This was supposed to be his day.

It was me and the pain.  Just us. 

            Okay, c’mon.

And then, Baby F’s loud cries bellowed inside the room.  9.31am.

My husband wiped something off at the corner of my eye.

And then I held him- Baby F, my little wonder, our miracle.