Tuesday, April 13, 2010

NO, I do not hate men. Seriously.

Female species, consider this:

1. You abandon the diet plan you’ve been seriously and painstakingly observing for months – you binge eat. Company you most loved- chocolate. Or otherwise you give up food as if you patronize those emaciated  models whose body parts seem to break at a snap of a finger.

2. You lose rationality, logic or whatchamacallit that hinders you to wish that the earth would open up and swallow you.

3. You wish you’re deaf, mute and blind – you shut yourself out to to the world by literally shutting your door and locking yourself in.

4. You turn into a masochistic maniac – you employ physical means. You think you are Manny Pacquio and Hatton in one, you end up punching your own self.

5. You become The Destroyer. You always have the urge to wreck things up. You’ve already slammed your cellphone against the wall and now you’re looking at the television set.

Yes ladies, you guessed it up. These are the bizarre characters women turn into when male species employ devious means on you, such as:

1. Ignoring you.
2. Liking another girl.
3. Forgetting your birthday, Valentine’s day, your anniversary or even the first movie you saw together.
4. Not being able to take a hint.
5. Commenting less flatteringly about your appearance.
6. Practically doing anything.
7. Or doing nothing.

That from observation, I can say that no organism is as baffling, infuriating and as incomprehensible to women as ‘men’. That no general rule applies to them, except that they wear pants. But I know some guy friends who are mushier, more emotional than women, especially when in the clutches of love. Men, too, are as gossipy as women. Except that female gossip is mean and theirs is obscene. And then they wonder what we girls talk about in an “all-girls” rendezvous. The answer: You, men. We rate you, dears.

And doing a bit of research and the stark evidence from observation, I came up with the following:

1. Mama’s Boy – Men who are not for marriage, they are for adoption. They are so attached to their mommies, no woman could meet their standards. Given the chance, they would clone their mommies and marry them.

2. Black Holes – You could call a Black Hole everyday, follow him around, buy him presents, do his thesis and laundry, invent excuses to be with him, anything short of sending him a marriage contract with your and his name on it, he would not take the hint. Black Holes are so dense they cannot take hints. If you plan to marry with your hair having the same color as your wedding dress, find yourself a Black Hole.

3. Rock star – Tattooed, easy-go-lucky roadies. You will be in perpetual competition with his guitar, drums and whathavethey. You become his number one fan. He composes a song for you but after you broke up you learned that it was the same song he made for another girl. He just changed the part where your name is mentioned.

4. The Nerd - With The Nerd, your constant rivals are his books, notes and computer, unless you are a nerd yourself. He fetches you with Isaac Newton and you have dinner with Charles Darwin. You enjoy debates on semantics and politics of men. Q&A on general knowledge is your favorite hobby. Your life together seem to be a long drawn college education that you get bored enough to sneak into the most boring show there is on TV.

5. Mr. Corporate - Corpo dudes are the typical conservative-looking type. Conservative, usually neck-tied suits, that is. They painstakingly read, or pretend to read, displaying business magazines on their desk. They worry about global warming, receding trees and their receding hair (most of the time in reverse order). They are fluent in business-speak (market demand, leverage, empower). They treat women as they would investments. So if you want to hook up with this type, better be an investment yourself.


6. The Ogle - Not the Ogre, but men this type could have striking resemblance with the creature. As the name connotes, these men are sucker for the sight of skin - women's skin, that is. Their can't-live-without are magazines and videos that offer cheap thrills of photos/films of women's naked bodies. They usually disguise behind their dark sunglasses, you could mistake them for blind in dark buildings. And yes, in restaurants they hate the seat fronting the wall, no way! Ogles are usually sex maniacs too. Eeew!

7. The Male Chauvinist Swine - The last but not the least, our favorite punching bag - The Pig. Men who believe that women are weaker sex and all other variations to that such as "Women's place is at home and in the bedroom." Yes perhaps they have physiological advantages over women like they could carry big things such as refrigerator and piano. This type of men is not for marrying.  They're only for carrying refrigerators!

Whew! You may want to add some more or you could cross mix to make another category, like an ogle and a pig, an "oglypig". Huh?

But hey, I don't hate men. I didn't mention real men with abs everywhere and not anyone among those as above, right?  And I have a dear brother and hubby although their abs are so-so, I adore them. I just kind of dislike men who are semblances or exactly those of the abovementioned with the exception of Nerds and Rock Stars.  Rock Stars are hot.

Anyway, who do like them? Oh, their mothers.

And as if the above are not enough, I thought these are interesting quotes. For women. :)

One is "I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog." -- Wendy Liebman.

N.B. I read Jessica Zafra.  And this article is a product of her inspiration and in fact, hers are most of the idea.


Lisa from Lisa's Yarns said...

I have definitely dated a couple of guys that fall under one or two of your classifications. Not fun. I'd also add moody Irish man to the list as well. My last 2 serious boyfriends were moody guys with Irish ancestry. It was like dating the same guy at times. Not fun.

Alexandra Crocodile said...

Haha - I laughed so hard when I read "oglypig":) Thanks for following my blog! I'm following your too now!

Gnetch said...

OMG! Everything you said reminded me of someone! Like each item. I've even met ONE guy who is 1, 4, and 6 combined! Talk about bad luck.

And this is why I don't have a boyfriend. Hahaha!

i'm no miss said...

Lisa and Gnetch -

My! I hope I didn't put you guys in bad mood.

Alexandra -

Yep, I coined the word but I didn't feel smart. I felt funny :)

Tiffany said...

haha! i absolutely loved this post! and those categories certainly suit many many people! loved it!

Very Top Five said...

Hey, found you through 20sb. As a man, I chuckled at your perceptive stab at the stock characters of my gender.

I'm not sure which I am, if any; although since I have a twin sister I think I am too empathetic to the trials that women face to be too much like any of them. But then maybe people with a view from a distance would say different...

Emily Jane said...

Too funny!! I too have definitely dated a couple of those... unfortunately... but I'm always okay with the nerds :)

Anonymous said...

I love this post, and I'm loving your blog!

Another David said...

I disagree. The most baffling, infuriating, and incomprehensible organism is definitely a woman :P

i'm no miss said...

@Tiffany -

the categories sound so familiar, eh? :)

@Very Top Five -

I'm pretty sure you're not despicable at all. Peace! :D

@Emily Jane -

And I always thought of myself as some kind of nerd, by the way!

@littlemissjuicy -

'Lovin your blog too! Spent quite a time in your littlemissjuicy home and t'was def worth my while!

@Another David -

Oh, I hope you're not picking up a fight here.. Or I'll start categorizing you hmm .. LOL!

Holly Renee said...

Um... yah, I have dated a few of these or a all of them. Mama's boy is probably the worst in my book but that might just be from personal experience LOL.